Free At Last

Am I Undeserving?

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Have you ever found yourself trapped in a cycle of guilt, shame, and unworthiness due to past mistakes? Years ago, in the midst of doing my possible best to deepen my relationship with God, I made a mistake. Merely labelling it a mistake might be an understatement. I consciously continued to engage in something I knew was wrong. This was something I never imagined I could do (well, until I did 🙈)

Eventually, the cat came out of the bag and as my people would say, the fowl’s rear end (yansh 🤣) was exposed. I immediately went into a state of shame, unworthiness, and guilt. I allowed it to consume me to the extent that I began to take the wrong steps in an attempt to rectify my wrongdoing. I allowed the opinions and judgments of others to further compound my feelings of shame and unworthiness. Unable to confide in those around me due to the weight of my shame and guilt, I became isolated in my suffering. It felt as though I was constantly immersed in a sea of guilt, shame and unworthiness, unable to escape its suffocating encirclement.

Now, you might be wondering if I had committed an act as grave as killing Jesus. Rest assured, my dear friend, I did not.

After a while, I began to realize that I had become a mere shadow of my former self. I knew I had to speak to two individuals I trusted. When I told both individuals what happened, they saw the issue as really minute. Like it was not something I was supposed to feel much guilt, shame and unworthiness for. I spoke to these individuals separately and one thing both asked was ‘is that everything?’ Both individuals seemed to view the issue as trivial, almost inconsequential, and questioned whether it warranted the intense emotions I was experiencing. Their response, while unexpected, brought a sense of relief, as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. They both offered good counsel on how to address the issue.

Despite feeling a temporary sense of relief after speaking with my trusted counsellors, the grip of guilt and shame persisted. Occasionally, my thoughts were infiltrated by doubt and self-condemnation. For years, I struggled with these emotions, unable to fully shake off the weight of past transgressions. I thought I had moved on from the situation but the emotional scars remained, thereby undermining my peace.

After some years, I got exposed to Apostle Paul’s Theology of Righteousness during my level one class in Kenneth Hagin’s Rhema Bible Training Center Nigeria. Apostle Paul received a revelation of the God-kind of Righteousness. Righteousness, as he taught, is the ability to stand in the presence of God without the consciousness of sin, guilt, or inferiority as though sin never did exist. God made righteousness available to humanity through the coming of Jesus. His blood served as a sufficient substitute for our sins. Jesus Christ bore our sins on the cross. Romans 5: 17 emphasizes that righteousness is a gift; we don’t have to work for it.

This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t walk worthy of God’s calling (Ephesians 4:1). What I am conveying here is that nothing should make you feel guilty, ashamed, and unworthy. Until I came into the understanding of what righteousness means, I struggled with shame, guilt, and unworthiness. I am thankful I was exposed to these truths. Of course, there were times when the devil tried to instill feelings of guilt and unworthiness in me. When that happened, I declared the word of God, my redemptive realities in Ephesians 1 verses 3-14. Verse 7 specifically states that in Him we have redemption through is His blood, the forgiveness of sins…

At some point in our lives, we’ve all done something we aren’t proud of. We’ve all made mistakes; we’ve all sinned. As long as we take responsibilities for our actions, demonstrate true repentance; turn away from the sin, ask for forgiveness, and do the best we can to live a life that reflects God, we shouldn’t allow the devil rob us by instilling shame, guilt and unworthiness.

There is something about people who know about your past; they may not stop associating you from your previous self. Whenever people try to remind you about where you are coming from, you must know where you presently are, so that you can say to yourself “That was in the past, I’m forgiven of the Lord”. There are some individuals who will never forgive you for your past bad behaviour, they will never welcome your new self. While that’s understandable, don’t let them hold you, to your past. It’s very unfair and unkind. When they publish your past records, give them your current report card.

You were not born ashamed. If they can shame you, they can control you. Shame masks your identity because once you forget who you are, you will malfunction. Once you forget whose you are, you will malfunction.

Christ has redeemed you from sin.

Have you ever encountered people who were unable to forgive you for your past mistakes or bad behaviour? How did you handle this? Feel free to share in the comment section. I’d love to learn from you.

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