January to June? Let’s Pretend It Didn’t Happen

One voice note turned into a whole post.

So, I guess I’m finally writing. I’ve been waiting (not procrastinating, please 😅) waiting for the best time to drop something here. You know, that magical moment of “inspiration” when I’ll feel fully stirred to write. It was 1:39 AM this morning, June 29, 2025. I was wide awake and thought — “What if I just start by recording voice notes on my phone? What if I record for ten days straight until something eventually comes together?” Turns out, I didn’t even need the 10 days 😅

Maybe that’s the push I need. The last time I posted here was on my birthday; February 22, 2025. And if we’re being honest? I did it because it’s kind of cliché to post on your birthday when you have a blog. Not because I had something deep or urgent to say, I just felt like, “Ah, I have a blog, let me not waste the date.” 🙈

That said, I’m glad I posted something at all because... drumroll... that’s still the only post I’ve made this year. Normally, between January and June, I would have dropped all the usual suspects:

• “What to do differently this year”

• “Walking in God’s will for your life in 2025”

• “How to align your goals with purpose”

• “New Year, New Fire”... (You get the vibe.)

But this year? Nothing. Zilch.

Why?

Because I’ve been in a state of self-preservation. And when I say self-preservation, I mean it in the most intentional, protective, and emotionally intelligent way. From January to (let’s say) mid-May, I was not trying to “show up” in the way I usually do. I wasn’t trying to stretch myself, explain myself, or force myself into rooms and conversations I didn’t have the strength for. I knew I needed to be physically, emotionally, and mentally present for a family gathering in May. So I hoarded all my energy like gold. I saved it. Protected it. Preserved it. And when the time came, I gave it, fully. And I’m glad I did. It felt good to actually be present. Like... not pretending to be there while zoning out emotionally. I was fully there.

But stepping back made me realize something: maybe my year is just starting now in July. Not in January like everyone else. Not in February when I turned a year older. But now. Getting into the phase of self-preservation was a conscious decision to protect my peace, mental health, and emotional energy by staying away from situations, people, or gatherings that may trigger stress, irritation, or overthinking.

I recognized that:

• I am / was in a sensitive space emotionally.

• I am / was more prone to being overwhelmed or misinterpreting interactions.

• I am / was choosing solitude or quiet spaces instead of forcing myself into social settings where I couldn’t be my full self.

• I am / was not trying to offend anyone; I am / was simply protecting my inner stability and peace of mind.

That’s self-preservation. It’s not pride, not selfishness, and certainly not being antisocial. It’s wisdom and self-awareness in action.

I was in that from January to June and I'll say so far so good. I know there are still traits of it there. I'm still in that state of self-reservation, but I wouldn't use the word improvement, but I would just use the word; maybe I'm finding more ways to manage it thanks to my therapist. I feel like this therapist is different and that's not to put all therapists I have seen in time past down, but you know when you're just thankful that at this season in your life, this is the kind of person that God has sent your way to be your therapist. Maybe if it was a different season of my life, maybe the therapist might not be helpful, but I'm really thankful to God that the therapist is helpful. Apparently, the therapist actually falls in the category of people that I kind of tend not to pay attention to. I mean, because of the generational gap and most other things but surprisingly, I'm so grateful. I’m grateful to God for the work that is happening in me as regards my emotional state and all of that.

I'm not there. I'm not even close to being there. I'm not even halfway there. But yeah, I'm just grateful that I'm aware of these things, and all of that. I don't think I've learnt vulnerability to the point where I can disclose some of the things that have gotten me to this stage yet, but I believe that maybe in the coming months or years (lol), maybe we’ll get to that point where I discuss some of the nitty-gritty that got me here.

Of course, self- preservation wasn’t without its side effects.

Friendships?

Let’s talk about that for a second.

In the process of protecting myself, I stepped back intentionally from certain relationships, not just friendships, but interactions generally. Some of them? I’m not even interested in revisiting. 🙄 Like... let them die peacefully…Others? Maybe. Maybe time will bring us back. But I honestly think the ones that needed to stay still stayed. And the ones that didn’t? Maybe they weren’t meant to. As a matter of fact, an action / inaction of someone I considered a “friend” (quotation marks very necessary) was one of the triggers that made me get to a point of self-preservation.

Identity?

I feel like I’ve had to revisit the “me” I was 4-5 years ago. And while there’s been growth, there’s also been loss. Somewhere in becoming this version of myself, I lost some parts of my core. I didn’t even realize they were missing until recently. Now, my challenge is: how do I merge the old and the new?How do I honor the essence of who I was — the joy, the light, the fire — while staying rooted in who I am now and the values I’ve gained? I don’t have the answers yet. But I know I’ll figure it out.

Work: My Other Name?

If I’m being honest, one of the most intense areas where I’ve also been self-preserving is in my career. Like... I feel like my work is the exhale of my peace. (Let me explain. 🧘🏾‍♀️) I don’t think I’ve quite figured out who I am outside of my work. And no, I’m not one of those “I’m married to my job” kind of people. But I do believe that my work is a core part of my essence. And it’s not just one thing, by the way. For those who know, I wear many hats. I work across different sectors, and each of them demands excellence. I don’t just do the work. I show up fully. Whether things are good, heavy, silent or chaotic, I show up. I think that’s why people often say, “You’re such a workaholic.” And honestly? I don’t know if that’s true or not. I personally don’t think that’s it. I just feel like working is how I function — like it’s hardwired into me. It’s not obsession; it’s rhythm. It’s how I process, cope, breathe... exist.

But even in all of this, I’ve found ways to manage the inner chaos.
You know that thing where you show up at work looking normal even when your heart is screaming? Yeah... I’ve mastered that. And I think that’s why I’m grateful for one person in particular at work. I won’t say they’re a “friend” maybe more of a confidant. Someone I can be emotionally honest with. Someone who knows the real version of me, even before I write that report, create that presentation, or draft that concept note. The one who sees me right before a Zoom call, barely holding it together… and then boom on the call, I show up like a full-blown corporate terror. Because somehow, I’m still really good at what I do, even when I’m barely holding it together. It’s rare, especially in professional settings, to have someone you can be that real with. But I think our work relationship is different from the traditional “corporate” experience. And for that? I’m thankful.

Still, maybe, just maybe, I need to start figuring out who I am outside of my work. Because as much as work fuels me, I don’t want it to be the only thing that defines me.

Maybe the real journey now is:

• What else brings me meaning, besides doing a good job?

• What do I find joy in, outside deadlines and deliverables?

We’ll see.
Maybe that’s the next story…

Happiness?

For a long time, I don’t think I even desired it. Like the actual desire for happiness wasn’t even there. But now? I do want to be happy. I can feel that desire again. And happiness? It’s expensive. Very expensive. The question is: am I willing to pay the price? And at what cost? Because here’s the thing, there’s a very thin line between pursuing your happiness and stepping on someone else’s. So how do you chase joy without losing your conscience? Where’s the balance?

I’m still figuring that out too. But this I know: Self-preservation is not weakness. It’s not pride. It’s not selfishness. It’s wisdom.

And maybe... just maybe... it’s the foundation for a healthier, happier life.

Also, wow — it’s been a whole year since I started blogging here… and what a journey it’s been.