Maybe I’m Not the Friend I Used to Be
Why do friendships feel heavier as we get older?
It feels like midnight is my magical moment for writing. I was asleep, woke up around 3am to do something, and planned to go right back to bed. But just as I was about to sleep again, this subject came to mind. So I picked up my notes to jot one small thing down… and somehow, instead of writing a paragraph today and another tomorrow, the whole post came out in 45 minutes.
It’s been a while on here. I try not to force things anymore — if it’s not happening, then it’s not happening.
The term “Friendship” has been a burden for some time now. I believe my last post touched on it. Not because anything dramatic happened, but because I’m beginning to pay attention to the way I navigate it.
Which type of friend are you?
Are you the one with long ropes, extending grace over and over? Or are you the one who quietly walks away once something happens?
Some say you should fix things when issues come up. Some say you should give the same grace others give you. Some say walk away the moment you see signs. I think our childhoods and experiences play a huge role in how we respond. There’s always a pattern, an underlying reason; even when we can’t name it. For me, I genuinely believe there are times when you extend the long rope… and times you simply walk away. There’s no one-size-fits-all method.
Can you do life without friends?
The idea of friendship didn’t originate from humans. God Himself looked at Adam and said it wasn’t good for him to be alone. That tells me that community “the right one “ is part of God’s design for life. And if we are being honest, we can all think of moments we wouldn’t have survived without help. Friendship is not defined by how many people you know. Sometimes, the people you find the most peace with are the ones you never even expected — maybe older, younger, from a different generation entirely, people in different spheres of life from you.
Do you even want what comes with friendship?
If you want friendship, you have to want the responsibilities that come with it too. Friendships are beautiful, but they also carry burdens. You have to be prepared to be the kind of friend you expect others to be. I’ve noticed I’m not as friendly as I used to be.. I don’t even fully know why. Making friends and staying friends is a challenge for me. It’s interesting to have lived both sides: the loner side and the community side. There is usually a season when I keep my world small. Silence has a way of helping you hear yourself clearly. Then there is also a season of being surrounded by people; conversations, laughter, group chats ( which I now hate by the way).
This whole idea of “friendship groups” makes me uncomfortable. Is it better to just have individual friendships or to belong to some collective friendship where a group of people say, “We are all friends.” In my experience, those things rarely last. If you’re opening a group chat for a specific purpose, that’s different — maybe planning something or making communication easier for that particular thing. That one I understand. But forming a group chat just to “be friends” usually creates cliques inside the clique. Before you know it, two or three people become closer, there’s side-talk, silence, misunderstandings, small gossip here and there… and eventually everything collapses. I’ve seen it too many times. Not only personally, but in what other people have shared with me as well.
So I now stay away from that. I mean, it’s okay to have mutual friends — that’s normal. But defining it as “the five of us are friends,” “the six of us are friends,” starts to feel like ẹgbẹ. And almost always, someone ends up feeling left out. That’s a dynamic I’m not interested in navigating.
Before I digressed, I was talking about the seasons of being a loner or being with community. Community can be warm, healing even. It reminds you that you’re not navigating life alone. However, worlds come with their weight. Being alone brings peace, until it becomes isolation.
Community brings connection, until it becomes noise. So maybe the real lesson is balance. To know when to lean into people and when to withdraw. To understand that choosing peace doesn’t mean running away from everyone. And choosing community doesn’t mean losing yourself.
Maybe the goal is just a small, intentional circle — people you can love without feeling drained.
Personally, I don’t think I’m mentally or emotionally ready for full-on friendships right now. I don’t mean I don’t have friends — I do. But the deep expectations, the constant giving and receiving, the emotional labour… I’m not equipped for that at the moment. And it’s not selfishness; it’s honesty.
For now, the small, simple ways of connecting are what I can manage — sharing posts, sending a quick voice note, doing short check-ins. It’s not deep, but it’s genuine. And for the space I’m in, it’s enough. Mo sa fun wahala…
This isn’t rejection. It’s simply me acknowledging the season I’m in and how I’m learning to navigate connection — gently, slowly, and honestly.